Some People Juggle Geese
Funny but true.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Internet Kismet
I may be a tease, but I'm not that much of a tease.

This is the excerpt, as I didn't read it:

I had spent most of Naomi's wedding day in a daze, not quite believing that my marriage was fully and formally over. Forever. A word like forever has a big impact on a wedding day; your vows are forever, unless they're not, unless you find a love letter from your husband addressed to a big-breasted blonde named Sam on the night of your first wedding anniversary. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

I was sitting in that corner my own brooding little world, trying hard to be happy for Naomi and David, which shouldn't be hard if you know them. It's just a little frustrating that everything always works out so perfectly for them and everything seems to be so much harder in my world. Enough with the self-pity.

At any rate I was brooding and staring, at nothing or so I thought, when I heard a cough and realized that I was staring directly at the crotch of someone's pants. I slowly looked up and realized that the owner of both cough and crotch was staring back down at me, his eyebrows squinched together in little creases. "Can I help you with something?"

"Eh?" Clearly I am the world's biggest drooling idiot.

"Well, you look pretty upset, and I figure that on such a happy day no one should be sad. Unless they're in love with the groom. Or the bride I suppose, I have to be open-minded about these things, I guess." He grinned charmingly down at me, a mischievous glimmer in his bright green eyes. "Or are you just angry at my pants?"

"Bah?" Beyond idiot! Here is a real living breathing man, engaging me in conversation and all I can do is make sheep noises at him.

"R. U. O. K." Oh god, he thinks I'm deaf and is signing at me. Horror! (but very considerate of him to accommodate my hypothetical deafness.)

"Good. Me. I'm good." Okay, that was technically a sentence, but I sound like a cave woman now. Better that he think I'm deaf, better still if I were actually mute.

"Uh, thanks."

"So are you?

"Am I what?"

"Are you in love with the bride?"

"Oh, that. Um, no."

"What about the groom?" What on Earth is he talking about?

"What about the groom?" Ack! Dumb!

"Are you in love with the groom?"

"God, no!" Oh crap. Now the eyebrows are furrowed again. He must be a friend of David's. "Not that there's anything wrong with David. David is good. Great even!" Now the mysterious man looked slightly alarmed and suspicious, as if I might be stalking David. "Not like that. Naomi is like my sister so David is like my brother-in-law. I adore Naomi and David."

"Then why so bleak and stare-y?"

"I'm..just..having a personal crisis." Great, that sounds like I've broken a nail in an uncomfortable location or something. Now I'm not only deranged but high maintenance. "I just have some stuff to work through and I didn't really want to bring anyone down."

"Well, how about we just bring you a little ways up then? How about a dance?"

I considered my dark mood, debated turning him down and staying alone in my mope but then I happened to catch a motion in the corner of my eye. Eve was frantically hopping up and down and gesturing at me that if I didn't dance with the nice man she would personally kick my ass into next Tuesday. Either that or she was doing a Mexican hat dance with a scorpion in her bra. With Eve you just never know.

I nodded at the Mysterious Man and stood. Taking a step, I realized that my entire left leg was asleep right up to the waist, including the entire left buttock. I lurched and stopped.

"Yes?" He was looking at me strangely again.

"Give me thirty seconds, a minute tops." Sigh. What can I tell him that doesn't make me look like a bigger idiot than I already seem to? Alright, shooting for sanity or even dignity seems impossible at this point, so out with the truth. "My…butt is asleep."
Written at 8:16 a.m. by Karen.
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